Your Partner’s Role
What were your first thoughts when your wife first brought up the subject of surrogacy to you?
“I was unsure about Surrogacy. I had several questions and concerns, but my wife being who she is had researched and had answers for every questions that came to my mind.”
“Well, this is different. Like it or not, this is going to definitely change our life. While I typically endeavor to support my wife in whatever choices she makes for herself, this was no casual matter.”
What made you decide to support your wife in this endeavor?
“She had clearly became very passionate about helping someone, and she has always supported me with all my endeavors. It was time that I support her in hers.”
“The simple answer is, that’s just what you do. In truth, we took the time to get ourselves accustomed to the idea and reached a comfortable place in knowing that together we could handle it.”
How was the surrogate pregnancy different from the pregnancies of your own children?
“She was calmer. I think this is because she didn’t have to worry about baby supplies, and decorations for the baby’s room. Otherwise, it was the same.”
“There are more moving parts, more people in the mix, more considerations to entertain. The interactions can be tricky. It’s almost like dating. You want to put your best foot forward. That can sometimes feel awkward.”
Did you help your wife pick out the Intended Parents?
“Yes. From the get go we decided that if we didn’t both feel a connection than we wouldn’t move forward. Her first journey we both read over the profiles and chose the one we connected with most. “For her 3rd journey she met the dads in a facebook group, and I chatted with them via skype. My wife is great at reading people, and I knew after our skype meeting she had made a good choice.”
“Picking out the intended parents was a team effort. For the most part it was a gut feeling.”
What surprised you most about the experience?
“How much joy I would get from seeing the happiness of the parents when they finally have their child in their arms.”
“The connections that can happen. It truly is amazing when you touch the lives of others. It can lead to unexpected places.”
What was your favorite part of the experience?
“With Jessica’s 3rd surrogacy I was able to get to know the dads to be on a more personal level than I did the first journey. I really enjoyed that, and I feel like I have a relationship with them just as much as my wife does.”
“The fulfillment of seeing the joy in my wife’s experience. They are both big and small moments.”
What was your least favorite part of the experience?
“If we are being honest. The abstinence required in the beginning, and the end. That is hard, but thankfully it doesn’t last forever.”
“Having to face the complications that pregnancy can bring. There are always risks and you prepare yourself for them as best as you can.”
What kind of support did you provide your wife before the pregnancy?
“I am terrified of needles. I can’t even handle looking at them, but I was her moral support. It was hard for her to work up the courage to inject herself the first couple times.”
“There are shots with large needles, notary appointments, blood to be drawn, and a lot of emotions.”
What kind of support did you provide your wife during the pregnancy?
“If she had a craving, I ran out and picked up what she wanted. I was just there for whatever she needed. She’s really a very independent person, and isn’t very needy.”
“Around here the first trimester is not so fondly known as the worst trimester. It’s all about creature comforts and just being there to listen.”
What kind of support did you provide your wife after the pregnancy?
“The first couple weeks after delivery seem to be the hardest. Sometimes she could be weepy, and It seems to be a combinations of hormones and the shift in her role. She has completed what she set out to do, and now has to refocus her life. It’s an adjustment and it’s good to just be there for her when she needs a shoulder.”
“It’s definitely a different kind of postpartum. I support by being there while the shift in focus is processed. The baby’s journey now takes place elsewhere.”
What kind of support did you have through the process?
“I don’t think I ever needed support, but I know if I did, my wife would cater to whatever it was in a heartbeat.”
“This part is tricky. Typically, attention is focused on the surrogate. The partner is focusing on supporting, not receiving support. That said, I can say that I’m most fortunate in having the partner that I do. It’s all the support I need.”
How was the outcome of this experience different than you thought it would be?
“I was honestly concerned about after. How she would feel if the family chose to not stay in touch after delivery. I was pleasantly surprised that both families she has carried for has kept in touch, and have become great friends. I respect them very much.”
What are the top 3 things you think every spouse that is thinking about doing this with their wife should know?
- “You will have to abstain from sex for a brief amount of time. The outcome is that a family will be created for a lifetime. The abstinence will be worth every bit of that.
- Your wife will grow as a person from this experience. She will feel a sense of accomplishment. Be proud of her, and make sure she knows how proud you are.
- You will grow as a person as well. You will value your wife and family more from learning of others struggles to become parents.”
- “Know that you are in this together. Your relationship is the anchor on which you depend. Honor it.
- This journey is a gift for the two of you, as well as the intended parents. Take time to keep that in perspective and enjoy it.
- You cannot predict the twists and turns. Treat it as an adventure of a lifetime. Rest assured, you will look back on everything with a smile.”